Wednesday, September 29, 2010

DEPRESSION HURTS (2) I don't want…

I don't want to deal with people today. Not on the phone. Not on the street. Not in any store.

I don't want to talk to anybody today. Talking takes more energy than what I have.

I don't want to go outside. It's a bright, sunny day with a clear blue sky. Even wearing sun glasses, I will end up with a headache if I go out.

I don't want to go for a walk. I don't want a headache. Besides, my legs, back, chest, arms, shoulders, and neck hurt already. They'll hurt more if I go for a walk.

I don't want to be out of bed. I'm tired. I want to sleep. Besides, if I sleep today, I'll be awake tonight. No people to deal with at night. No phones to answer. I can read and write as much, or as little, as I want, and nobody will disturb me.

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to have to keep reaching UP in order to try to touch bottom.

What's that Sadie? You're putting your nose under my hand, and lifting it up. You're licking my palm. You want to go for a walk.

All right.

Give me a moment to find your lead, and some sun glasses. Yes. We'll go for a walk by the river. I will limp a bit, but I think I can manage that. I hope I can manage it. We'll see if the Beavers have chopped down any more trees.

Then we'll come home and I'll cook supper. Since J cooked last night, tonight must be my night.

I just wish this depression didn't hurt so much.


CAMILLA said...

Just typed you a message Bear and it has disappeared into the ether.

So sorry to hear that you are feeling rotten at the moment Bear, really not fair for you at all especially when I know you are such a kind dear Bear.

Shall say a special prayer for you tonight Bear. Do hope you will be feeling better in the days ahead.

Wendy said...

I understand.

And I care - as do many others.

All I can say is that I have to believe we feel the way we do in any given moment because it will serve us in a positive way in the future. Some times I get glimpses of ways that might be true; other times I just roll with it.

Sending inspiration through cyber-space. Hope it gets there soon.

Rob-bear said...

® CAMILLA: Well, life isn't fair, so I do what I can with it. That doesn't stop me from being angry about the unfairness. And I do as much as I can, hour by hour. Thanks for your friendship, concern, and support.

® Wendy: I'm not convinced this depression serves a "higher purpose." For me, it just "is." What I do with it will, I hope, make me stronger, eventually, and more sensitive to others' needs.

I appreciate the "inspiration." Thanks, friend.

Genie -- Paris and Beyond said...

Bear, you are so supportive of others (me) and my heart goes out to you. I will be praying that you pass through the depression to another state.

Stay in touch as I look forward to your posts here and to the comments you leave me on my blog.

Merci, cher ours.

The Blog Fodder said...

Hugs, my friend.

Annie said...

Just wanted to send you a hug.
A x

potsoc said...

Lady Sadie shows why dog is man's best friend. She took you out for a walk, wonderfull...and keep on cooking.

Maggie Christie said...

Well you'd be quite justified to have a good growl about that Mr Bear. Sorry to hear about all the bits that hurt. It doesn't sound in the least bit fair. Dogs always think a good walk is the cure for everything don't they?

Unknown said...

Sending hugs Bear... I understand all too well what you're going through but remember, it does end.

Gutsy Living said...

I'm back and since this is my first post of yours to read, I'm not sure what's been happening. I'm glad to see you went outside and cooked dinner and got out of bed.

Anonymous said...

I wish that what Wendy said was true: we feel the way we do in any given moment because it will serve us in a positive way in the future.

Which fuels my fire when it is assumed that we "feel/because". I only wish we had the CHOICE to "feel".

We aren't in the pit because a future blessing will come our way due our suffering.

We aren't in the pit due to a CHOICE we made to BE in the pit.

If that was the case, we wouldn't fight so hard to get out of the pit.

When it's here, it's HERE. When it leaves (and we always doubt it will) it just LEAVES.

I've spent my life trying to figure out what put me in the pit, and what brought me out.

And the answer is: NOTHING.

It just fills our soul with blackness and hopefully leaves when it's finished with us --- for the time being.

Anonymous said...

Mostly, huggy bear, people are ignorant and we know that night-time frees us from dealing with them, while dogs, in their sensitive intelligence, offer only what they TRULY hope will help.

I love you with all my cyber-space heart.

Amanda Summer said...

i think dogs know sometimes what's going on with us emotionally and i'm glad sadie got you up and out for a walk.

sending you love and hugs, dear bear.

Nancy said...

I've been feeling down lately, too. I don't know what it is - but I'm not prone to depression. All I can say is that if this is how you are feeling for extended periods of time - it must be awful.

Hope you feel better very soon.

cheshire wife said...

Sorry to read that you have been suffering while I have been off enjoying myself. I am wondering if this is depression or is it SAD as the dark nights and short days approach, not to mention the cold weather.

I hope that you will be feeling better soon.

Rob-bear said...

® Good friends: I'm not up to saying much today. I will get back to you when I have a bit more energy. (These days I'm really terrible at estimating my energy level.)

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, Rob...I'm so very sorry!!!! Will be praying...know that you are very loved...Sending big bear hugs for the kindest most compassionate bear on the planet!!! ~Janine

French Fancy... said...

What rotten luck that you physically are hurting as well. I guess any drugs to help have awful side effects too - maybe even leading to a worsening of the depression.

I have no solutions but wanted to tell you how special you are in the blogosphere and it is good you are posting about all this. Letting it out a bit on here.