Monday, November 30, 2009


I've been dragging my proverbial tail around for some now. This is not fun. It is not what I signed up for. The fact that I tripped over Sadie in the middle of the night last night, and landed flat on my back, most certainly did not help the situation of either mind or body.

What made things worse recently was burning a box of papers. It was from a project which I and some other very talented people started in the late 1980s. (The Blog Fodder was one of those who helped us along the way.) It was my idea, but it resonated with a lot of others, who picked up the ball and ran with it. Then they hired me to run the non-profit operation. Bad mistake. I knew what needed to be done, and some of how to do it. But my knowledge of actually running a business could be written legibly on the back of a postage stamp. After two yeas, I removed myself from the leadership position. I continued to be a member but someone more capable took over the reins and carried on, until the organization was betrayed by a couple of "friends" -- and failed. As the nominal founder of the project, most of the organizations documents found their way back to me, though they properly should have gone to someone else. I took most of them to the provincial archives, which was happy to receive them.

Anyhow, 15 year after the Foundations demise, I finally burned the old financial records. An appropriate enough thing to do under the circumstances, I suppose.

What it did though, was remind me of my "Anti-Midas Touch." You remember the story of King Midas -- he had the power to turn anything he touched into gold. With the "Anti-Midas Touch," everything you touch turns into garbage. That was my reflection on my involvement in the Foundation. Then I thought of another case when my "Anti-Midas Touch" had been at work. And then another, And then another. And. . . . By then, my soul was like the ashes in the fire pit. I came in, laid down, pulled a blanket over me, and slept for several hours. I didn't even get up for supper.

I will not let this kill me. But some days I have to reach up in order to touch bottom.


Suburbia said...

Thank you, that means so much. It has brought tears to my eyes. I am just off to work, but will come back and read you blog soon.

Thank you again

Suburbia :)

Annie said...

Hi Rob-bear. I am sending you lots of positive vibes to help you pick yourself up and shake off the gloom. Thought I'd share a little something that has got me through difficult times....
It's all in the State of the Mind
If you think you are beaten,
you are.
If you think you dare not,
you don't .
If you like to win but you think you can't
It's almost sure you won't.
If you think you'll lose,
you've lost.
For out in the world you find
success begins with a fellow's will.
It's all in the state of the mind.

Stay positive. Big hugs. A x

Sniffles and Smiles said...

A person never fails if they never try anything...if you have failed, that means you have been an innovative, pioneer!!! You have courageously followed your dreams!!! But I have a feeling that you tend to be rather hard on yourself...and that you have been very, very successful at a great many things... And I admire you!!! Hope tomorrow is a better day!!!! Sending hugs, and prayers!!! Janine

The Blog Fodder said...

I'm wracking my brain trying to recall the Foundation you refer to.

Why do we do to ourselves this recounting of failures instead of successes? I have gone through my whole life feeling like a fraud waiting to be discovered. Just faking it as I go along.

You are no failure and neither am I but we sometimes try to convince ourselves otherwise. And shredding is more fun than burning (for me).

I remember when Ella and I burned all our love letters before we moved from Cumberland House to Kindersley. There was NO way we ever wanted the kids to find them and read them.

French Fancy... said...

The Blog Fodder is right - you should spend time dwelling on all the lovely great things you have done in your life, not the times when things - through no fault of your own - went a bit pearshaped. I hope you don't let this drag you right down - stay here Rob and keep blogging about stuff. Don't let it build up inside you.

thinking of you

Tattieweasle said...

You had an idea, it worked, it was inspiring. OK it came a cropper but you started something, you did it. That is amazing as it is so easy not to do something because it may fail. I Know how hard it is to keep hold of that thought the one where you are not nearly as bad as you think you are. Soneone sonwhere told ne this: I would rather fail all my life than never try for that would truly be a life less lived. XXXX

Rob-bear said...

® Suburia: "We get by with a little help from our fiends."

® Wipso: Thanks. I'm not constantly overwhelmed; its just that some things really do stand up and smack me in the head. I'm all right, for the shape I'm in.

® BF: You're right, of course. But as I said to said to Wipso, sometimes things (like Ag Insight) stand up and smack you in the head.

® Julie: Thanks. Ironically, our Poodle puppies are black. Reminds me, strangely, of Winston Churchill's comments about the black dog of depression. Don't worry; I'm not about to jump off any bridges. (If I did that in Paris, I would be "in Seine.")

® TW: I'm told that entrepreneurs who make it "big,"go bankrupt a time or two before they reach their goals. Somehow, I find that only marginally comforting. But as I said to FF, I'm not going to jump of any bridges about it. Sometimes you have the fight the battle because, as a matter of principle, the battle need to be fought. Spoken by a man who's post-grad studies in University were in ethics. (Yes, I really am crazy!)

cheshire wife said...

If at first you don't succeed........ It wasn't all bad. The fire gave you some warmth and then you had a sleep. Blogging does not involve finances. Please don't give up.

Rob-bear said...

® CW: Thanks for the encouragement. As you can see (above), I've already posted something new -- and wintry. (The Bear is "cool.") In life, you win some, you lose some, and some get rained out. Pretty good average, overall.

Hope your mom's well.

Natalie said...

Sorry Bear, must have missed a few. I know where you are coming from, but really, black and white thinking was never good for anyone.

So what if you did stuff up? who here on this planet hasn't?

I am sure your strengths are many, but we all can't be good at everything now, can we? It would be so boring if we were all the same.xx♥